you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
