brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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