I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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