So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
