She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
