just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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