I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
