he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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