everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
