i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
