just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
