This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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