the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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