My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i will never coherently bang her
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
