I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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