he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
