Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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