I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
