he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
