There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
