The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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