In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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