I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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