My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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