I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is wine microwaveable?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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