i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
