i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
