I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im holly from the hills drunk
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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