If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
