I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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