so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was born a porn star she said
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
