i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
