yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
