Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
