i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is the high leading the old right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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