He had one of those small greek statue penises
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
