I cockslap morals
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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