but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
