At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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