Your face is a jimmy john
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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