The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
