I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
