I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
