I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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