True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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