My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
