I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
