I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Jerry, you need to find god
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
