You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
