I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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